My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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