i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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