do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
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