at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
