I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
