dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
your room smells of hookers.
And success
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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