Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
