i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she told me i tasted like america
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
