I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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