I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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