How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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