If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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