Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
