just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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