nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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