If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
