She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
