So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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