Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
