You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
