how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
