I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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