I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
