My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
