I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
