Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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