He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
