Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
