Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
