Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
