At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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