i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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