Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
