Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
