I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
