My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
