separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
