If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Acid is not a monday night drug
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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