Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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