Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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