I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
