Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
