I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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