good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
