Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
