matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
