he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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