Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize