when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
