Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Randomize
