Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
