an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
