Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
