He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
