Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
