Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
