dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
This house was built for laser tag.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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