I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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