If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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