I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
