i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
