also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
