She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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