you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
