They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
