dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
