I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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